Thursday, February 19, 2009

Passing Me By...

I've been asked by many..."Do you have a girlfriend?" Or some other question that can be associated or related to that. Answer: Not really...But I do like someone--long story people. But I do have to admit that I am not...yes, not...completely happy about myself. (I'm pretty good in hiding my feelings...Okay, sort of...) You see, I am happy, but not as happy as I want to be...word? I admit...I do miss having someone in my life--not that I'm typing to you that I am the feeling of having someone there...talking, hanging out, etc., etc.

See, if you wanted to make a reality show out of me--I'd rather not do that, though--my life would be different from others and, well, you. My life outside isn't boring, don't get me wrong about that...I mean, more like if you had to film me about my personal life (inside me)'d be different. That, folks, is least to me. Plus, I'm not sure that people would understand me. I'm a person that sometimes thinks way too much and I tend to be hard on myself at times. I tell you...NOT GOOD. just don't know what kind of questions that pop in my head...or what thoughts I'm thinking. I feel like I am growing up too fast, too much. It's like if I sleep now, I feel like everything will just pass me by and opportunities that will come, those would pass by me as well. I want to be in the moment of the zone, if you will. A 24/7 Brian. Sometimes, I don't know if I am going anywhere at all...But really, I am...I just don't even realize it myself. I don't realize my OWN self at times...That needs to be in check.

Music and all it's glory...Now that is my security comfort. God, too, I can't forget about him. There's something about Hip-Hop that makes me tick...makes me ill on that genre. That is my ultimate happiness. Not talking about that rap-crap you hear mainstream...If you know me, then you know exactly what I am talking about and exactly what I like....

Girlfriend...? Yeah, maybe...Although I miss having someone in my life, I still enjoy myself in the things I do and the people I have close to me...And Hip-Hop. She's my Love. I've been married to her since '84 and no one will talk me out of divorcing Her. I guess you can say that she's my girlfriend/wife/bestestestest friend/companion. (Corny blog entry, right? I know....)

...Yeah, I don't care. Why I'm I typing this? I may ask...Or you may ask. Well, I needed to get this out of my system...See, that's why I wasn't all myself recently.

You know...I feel like sometimes other people are far, much better off than me...personal life wise, you know? I feel so a stand-still. MOVE, DAMNIT. I the Brian for everyone...? Even you caring to read this? I'm in a tiny, early 20's personal life crisis here...

I'm fine now, but still not completely myself...

"Brian, why are you still here...?"

"You're 24...and you don't have a girlfriend!?" Uhh, I'm sorry....?? Is it really the end of Brian as we/I know it...? Gyeah...we'll see. Follow me...

I miss you...I love you...


b. Ah, the wonders of life...


  1. When I first saw the title of this blog I thought you were talking about the song by Pharcyde. I was like ohh snaps this is my jam! =D

    I totally understand where your going with this. I'm not even in my 20s yet, and I feel like my life is just flying by. It feels like there is so much that I have to do, but I don't know where to start or how to go about doing it. I feel so complex, and confused most of the time. Don't get me wrong I'm happy too, but like you there just always feels like something is missing. That something seems to be preventing me from being even at least 70% happy.

    I don't think people will understand me either. Mainly, because I can't even understand myself. That's why I think becoming aware of self is so important. You can't expect somebody to understand you if you can't even understand yourself sometimes. The only downside to self awareness is that I don't think it's something that you can physically make happen. Rather, it's something you have to be patient with, and one day things will just click and make sense. It's a real spiritual type of thing, or it could just be meeting the right type of person. The kind of person who brings out the best in you.

    [Maybe you'll find the cycle's end
    You're back where you began
    But come this time around
    You'll have someone to hold your hand
    Who prays for you, who's there for you
    Who sends you love and light
    Exposes you to parts of you
    That you once tried to fight]

    Love what Saul says in this song.

    Either way finding yourself makes life so much more confusing then it needs to be. But it adds purpose.

    Anyway, I agree with you on your view of hip hop. Maybe except the girlfriend part. =p There is just something about hip hop that draws me in. I've listened to plenty of other music genres, and nothing does it like hip hop does. Hip hop is a story, a lesson, a moral, comfort, creativity, and style all rolled up into one. Just don't get no better than that.

    Well, I'm going to shut up now. Hopefully I made a least a little bit of sense. XD

  2. My God. I thought that I was the only one who felt like that. I'm glad I'm not.
    I guess you could say I try and fail miserably to hide my feelings. I'm not happy with myself either, so I know how you're feelin'.
    I haven't had anyone for a while, and I feel lonely all the time. It sucks. And I think FAR too much, about things that I don't even need to think about. My friends think they get me but they don't, its this constant frustration of having them tell me what they think I'm thinking, and its completely the wrong thing, but I say 'how'd you know?' cos they won't understand the real reason. Partly because they're think, but that's another story.

    I so agree about the hip-hop thing. That mainstream stuff has no feelin' in it whatsoever. But I'm not sure whether I'm quite to the stage of marrying it yet :)

    So following you dude. Its amazing.

    Peace out, Deanna xxx

  3. defnitely my favorite blog entry. Youre in love wih hip hop? haha that was cute. But heyy.. youre still hecka young. Dnt even trip about not having another person or what people gotta say. Youll go even farther if you jus do you.

  4. WOW. I didn't know this had a few hits...Let alone long ass comments...

    I'm surprised by how you all have different responses. I appreciate that...You guys are awesome...

    You guys really feel for this, huh? Nice. Thanks!

    Peace and love everyone...

  5. Well, with everything you've said ,I related to some of it. Yup, having no one with you is tough. Don't give up. Because someday... somehow... you'll find the right person to love you, care for you, and be there for you. Believe in God. Never lose faith. Because there will be more challenges to come, but when they are over you will be prepared for the future. When the time comes that you feel weak or alone. Your friends will be there for you. When you feel that your walls are falling down, turn to your friends and they will help you rebuild them.. "Life is a winding road" they say. Sometimes your up and sometimes your down.
    I also understand how you can relate with Hip hop. I listen to almost any kind of music. Every Music has its own story through the lyrics of the song. Each one can express what you feel. They can also relate to the story of our life. So keep it up. DO the things that makes you happy. Don't be ashamed on what others think. You are better than what they think you are.
    Alright, about life, you're still young. There's still a lot there for you. You may be destened for something bigger or even greater. Even I experience some loss. Like yours, I also feel that I am missing out. I'm not even in my 20s, but I already feel like I missed out a lot in my life. Many things can happen, you might not be aware of the things that happen around you, but every little thing that is there builds you up. Every minute that you spend with others teaches you new things. When the time is right, you will be able to use all the things that you've lerned and acquired.
    Lastly, Don't be discouraged. Time will come and be patient.

    I have said a lot, and most of them might not even make sense. At least I have said what I Feel.

    Take care!
    Peace! ^_^

  6. You said that it seems like everyone else is far better off than you...I feel that too. I think we all feel it now and then(some more than others), and we all hide it, just like you were. So Hakuna Matata (No worries), because time always heals things. It's just that waiting for those blue skies absolutely sucka. But that's also what us friends are here for, if you ever need to chillax or talk to anyone to pass those grey times =]

  7. Okay...I seriously never thought I'd get so many hits...

    I don't know what to say...except...

    Thank you. =)