Monday, November 30, 2009

An Open House To Myself. (Part II)

Here's part 2 of what I had started doing once a week. Just to recap, I've been reading John Baker's book Life's Healing Choices in which there are 8 choices in relation to The Beattitudes found in The Bible in the book of Matthew chapter 5, which there are 8 beattitudes. If you haven't read it, go pick this up...It's worth your life! On the real...Lately, I've been strengthening myself by finding new focus and perspectives in my life; I've started to rely more in my faith and turning to it and finding out more about myself to live and be better, for myself and others...

And I still continue to persue what I had re-discovered...

____________________

(Here, Choice 2 deals the choice of Hope: getting Help. Again, what I write is strictly coming from me, personally, in all its raw glory...No b.s. Mind you, these collective writings were pre-written on the same day I read the book in which I write my thoughts and reflections with pen and notepad, then to my blog; These are my reflections and a look into my personal life...)

E arnestly believe that God exists.

>>>> That I MATTER to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover.

Beattitude #2: "Happy are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." (Matthew 5:1)


Friends. Who doesn't love or care about them? Let alone have any? Well, I can say that I have very close, yet faithful, trustful, and the bestest and dopest of friends that life can buy because it's those, even those few that I can talk to, closely and personally, that I can rely on and to talk to...especially for help.

The friends that I have, now, are the friends that I had kept and those that I've met recently, we've established close ties, but that wasn't so in the past...

For I thought these were the friend's that I grew up with personally and always down to hang, turned out they've turned my backs on me because of something I never really did (disbelief)...I mean really. It's something that I wouldn't do at ALL! I still think that this whole situation/problem I had back then is really dumb, which later on led me to even more more problems. It was almost as if I've hit rock bottom. But for what? What was the mistake that I did to hurt others? But now...I'm blessed that that nightmare that I've confronted and tackled head on in the past has diminished...And I'm free as a bird...

Speaking of mistakes, I've had plenty and I've shared them with a handful of people that I've been friends with or just knew. My mistakes weren't minor. They were BIG. Major, serious mistakes that either emotionally or physically hurt that someone(s) in my past life. Sometimes those mistakes would be intentional because I thought they deserve it or if that someone has done me wrong, I would do the same. Sometimes, however, they would be unintentional, or be accidental, and I would think that I might have done or said something right, but later to realize I was wrong and mistaken taking the situation even further down hill and making it worse. I deeply and honestly apologize for what I've might've done to damage another human's emotions and reputation; that sh#* ain't right. I know. I knew the hard way. But thanks to the "hard way" and realizing and correcting my mistakes, I've better myself, now, to not make any of those same (or new) mistakes I've done. I'm blessed. I regret those mistakes, that's why my faith has started to spring back and hopefully my faith and faith in God will keep me in the right track in life.

Along with mistakes came to denials and pain. I've suffered greatly in two major situations in my life that turned my life upside down. Though they were totally different, both denial and pain were there...And they were HEAVY. Both had taken over and weighed me down in my life in general, and the closest person that I would talk to would be my Mom and my closest friends. But sometimes, it would be more towards my friends whom I was close to and rely on to talk and express myself on what I was feeling or dealing with. Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom...best Mom in the world! But when it came to understanding and comfort, my closest of friends were there to rely on..

The pain hurt. GREATLY. The denial, even probably close to the pain I was feeling and dealing with at those different times with those two situations. Denying it would be the same old ish every time and it would become habitual. Like the denying and lying would be like nothing; It was normal and okay, and that it didn't bother me. HA! Right...but it did...

I dealt with both denial and pain all by myself. As much as I can talk and express myself towards others, at the end of the day, I was dealing with ith myself because it was my own problem or fault. I mean, I believe in God--even back then--but I had my back completely turned and seeking God for comfort and help wasn't an option until the denial and pain completely buried and overtook me...Basically, that would be the ONLY time I'd seek God. I wasn't much of a prayer person, but it had to be done when it just was too much.

Fast-forward to now...Things have completely turned itself in a much positive note. I feel much alive and blessed. Like a completely renewed me. Faith has started to be more in my foundation than ever and it's becoming to be closer and stronger...

I wouldn't really call this a catastrophe. Rather, I'd call it more like a test, or maybe a challenge; A change, really. Losing our previous house was a big blow because we "felt the impact of our own choices" as a whole. But I never really thought of it much in a negative way, never really fronted about it, except the fact that we almost moved out of state to Houston, Texas. But thankfully we didn't. I believed that God was doing this to prove something to us as a family. We pulled through and look where we are now...I'm still here and we currently live in a house that we are renting; Not so much bigger than our previous house, but we're blessed. As a family, it taught us to be aware and make the right decisions. Yes, it was our fault, but ultimately God really put us to the test. As of now, we're tight was a fam and, again, living normal lives...

b.


****If you missed Part I, click here...

Friday, November 27, 2009

Black Star On Fallon

It's history in the making...with "History." Peep...

http://www.okayplayer.com/news/Video-Black-Star-x-The-Roots-on-Latenight-w-Jimmy-Fallon.html

b.

The Day After...

I'm just gonna go straight to the point...

I actually didn't eat TOO much. Nice. I had a little "food coma", but it wasn't bad. But that's not my point. As cliche as this is...I'm thankful for my Friends, Family, and Food. The 3 'f's'. Not to mention how far I've been in my life and those who inspire and influence me every single day. I'm still learning everyday...Doesn't everyone? But let's not forget those who are the less-fortunate people out there. This shouldn't be a reminder every Holiday Season. Rather, everyday, because we take things for granted and we forget the things that matter much more. Again, I thank you.

I'm thankful that I wake up every single morning...

b.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

An Open House To Myself.

I know I haven't posted up anything on this blog that's about me and my thoughts, feelings, and opinions, or anything personal, er, semi-personal...well, at least in awhile (or maybe...never...?) But now...it's about freakin' time that I did. And this time...it's PERSONAL. Well, sorta...


I just came to realize (recently) that my faith has been renewed, let alone, catching up to me...And it ain't half-bad...

The following, typed-up-in-all-its-raw-glory, entry is from a personal reflection I just wrote just awhile ago, today, while reading John Bakers book Life's Healing Choices. I highly recommend getting it and reading it. It's worth it for your life NEEDS it. I haven't gotten far in the book, except the First Choice, but I plan on gettin' on it every week, reading and writing; reflecting on it and myself. Anyways, this personal entry is a look of who I am as a person in its rawest, most natural and organic form, and all who may relate to this because...you guys are like that, too. No doubt. I mean, really...c'mon. ADMIT IT. You know that you're not ALL THAT GOOD. Right? RIGHT. Not necessarily what my case is, but we're all imperfect, but TRY to be. Know what I'm sayin'? There's no b.s. And I ain't being BIAS. I strictly wrote what I was thinking and feeling from my mind and heart onto pen and notepad, and just letting my thoughts and feelings go and flow on out. What's written down...is written down; fresh, raw, and...Brian. See, I ain't gonna really tell you what the book is about...you gotta pick that up and read it yourselves because it will talk to you and help you out. I'll spare the details. But it sure did with me.

So here it goes. I ain't backin' out of this now. And there's noooo way that I am, or will be, ashamed or embarrassed of this because I'm not hiding. I also don't care what you guys think or say--in a negative matter--because with that, you're just being inmature and childish. If you wanna say somethin' about it...go right ahead. Like 2Pac said, "I ain't mad at 'cha." So, without further-ado, heeeere weee go...

_________________________

(In John Baker's book Life's Healing Choices, the 1st Choice is the Reality Choice: Admitting need. This is what I had read. This is only the beginning of the book, but a start in somethin' new for me...)

R ealize I'm not God.

>>>> I ADMIT that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanagable.

Beattitude #1: "Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor." (Matthew 5:1)


I've had my own personal share of ups and downs. Well, more downs and ups, really. I would "hide" myself; cloak myself in denial. I would try to play it out in my head and think too much and I'd feel frustrated, nervous, and discouraged. At times, I would have trouble sleeping at night because of something(s) that would be or still be bothering me.

I'd always rely (or try to rely) on myself and tell myself that I can take care of all this, just to myself. No one else.

I feel a sense of comfort whenever I would call someone that is close to me...A close friend, really, who I can rely on and depend on, and talk about my situations and problems...But not God. Why not God? I should. I rarely, if never, pray (I should start that, too). I can honestly throw in, safe to say, that I am in NO WAY DEPRESSED. Just to get that straight and outta' the way. That sense of comfort of having someone to talk to, however, makes it all better. I would feel relieved, and the feeling of worriness drains out from me. But it would come back, and the emotions, feelings, and thoughts start to spring up again. UNMANAGABLE. But I do know that if I can, and do, seek and talk to God and pray, He can and will, ultimately, make me feel better; being at peace, being humble, and wise. Sorry close friends...but it's true. However, I do not. And yet I should...

I do feel happiness, as a whole, just recently, because of this person...I feel like I am loved again, not just me being me and my individuality, but because of who I had became lately--in a good way, folks, in a good way--and that my heart is filling up with the right feelings and thoughts. In the past, however, that wasn't so...For I thought I knew EVERYTHING off the bat and know what was right; distinguishing right from wrong...acting and feeling that every single thing I was doing or saying was fine. Uh, WHAT!? HELLO! NOPE, son. NOPE...I felt...STUPID. I felt foolish about myself. And ultimately I realized I was hurting myself and that someone. I was LYING to my own self and that someone. We both felt SELFISH with ourselves. I realized that this was not healthy--spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically--at all.

I would sometimes try to change or even control others...Telling myself they shouldn't do that, or that's wrong, etc. All those things we all say. But now I know that WE CANNOT CONTROL OR CHANGE PEOPLE. It's up to themselves whether or not they can control or change themselves for what's good, and hopefully, for what's not bad. With the right ingredients, it's possible...but with a big helpful hand of God; God can... But that's not up to me. People have to make those kind of choices and be able to learn self-cotrol. But now, I learn that I should not be able to control or change others.

I FULLY and COMPLETELY admit to what I am writing and this serves as both a testimony and confession about myself. I admit I have turned myself away from God, ever so turning to Him when I really feel (or need) Him the most. But really, I haven't turned to Him at all. I ADMIT THAT I AM NOT GOD. However, as I write this, I do believe that I need Him. I'm feelin' it. And so I truly believe and feel, though, that God has never given up on me nor turn Himself away from me, for God has much better plans for me...

Close friends, relationships, receiving great advice, and just talking to a close, trusted, and reliable someone about all your situations, dilemmas, and problems may all sound awesome...and we all know it's those we need...but it's really...TEMPORARY. They can only do so much. Our own selves can only do so much to help our own selves. But God, in the other hand, is PERMANENT and a well-trusted friend that does not GIVE UP from the get-go.

I recently find myself coming back to my faith and reading certain books of the Bible...and it feels good. I'm starting to understand more; opening my mind, body, soul, and heart to my faith more than I did before; getting to know God and what's goin' down with Him. Quite interesting. But I still stand firm about how to act and "how" to believe in my faith. I'm still more into the "softcore" kinda-stage of Christians...but that's just me. If you don't like it...well, tough. But that doesn't mean that I BELIEVE in Him.

We all cannot do this alone. We depend a little on ourselves, a little on others, with the right positive ingredients of thoughts, feelings, etc., and the plenty of helpings from God...and it's all good from there...

b.

Monday, November 23, 2009

The Find Mag X Mellow Orange X Organology Present...

Download and tracklist after the click...

b.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

...Will Be Back...

...Hopefully soon...and not NEVER...

I apologize for the lack of posts lately, but there's NOTHING right now for me to post or blog about. Hopefully something will spark up that's worth posting....

I guess this is a break for a bit...

"We'll (well, I) be right back after these...uh, yeah..."

This blog is brought to you by the letter...B.

In the meantime, you can visit my blog @ beezwax-bt.blogspot.com

b.

Friday, November 6, 2009

...Um, Really...

...What's with all the senseless and pointless violence recently...? REALLY...?

Ah, the ills of the World...


b.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Zo! ...Just Visiting Too EP

More from The Foreign Exchange fam...FREE DOWNLOAD (click cover...)


"The FE crew had this to say: "Working on this record has been a labor of love for everybody involved, and we hope it serves as a teaser for Zo's upcoming full-length "SunStorm," dropping next summer on FE Music. Enjoy the music, pass it around to a friend, and as always thank you for the support. We hope this record makes your transition into the holiday season much easier. Thank you for listening. One Love,"- 'Te and Nic

Monday, November 2, 2009

DJ Mza - A Sentimental Moodswing Vol. 1

FREE DOWNLOAD (click album cover...)