An Open House To Myself.

I know I haven't posted up anything on this blog that's about me and my thoughts, feelings, and opinions, or anything personal, er, semi-personal...well, at least in awhile (or maybe...never...?) But now...it's about freakin' time that I did. And this time...it's PERSONAL. Well, sorta...


I just came to realize (recently) that my faith has been renewed, let alone, catching up to me...And it ain't half-bad...

The following, typed-up-in-all-its-raw-glory, entry is from a personal reflection I just wrote just awhile ago, today, while reading John Bakers book Life's Healing Choices. I highly recommend getting it and reading it. It's worth it for your life NEEDS it. I haven't gotten far in the book, except the First Choice, but I plan on gettin' on it every week, reading and writing; reflecting on it and myself. Anyways, this personal entry is a look of who I am as a person in its rawest, most natural and organic form, and all who may relate to this because...you guys are like that, too. No doubt. I mean, really...c'mon. ADMIT IT. You know that you're not ALL THAT GOOD. Right? RIGHT. Not necessarily what my case is, but we're all imperfect, but TRY to be. Know what I'm sayin'? There's no b.s. And I ain't being BIAS. I strictly wrote what I was thinking and feeling from my mind and heart onto pen and notepad, and just letting my thoughts and feelings go and flow on out. What's written down...is written down; fresh, raw, and...Brian. See, I ain't gonna really tell you what the book is about...you gotta pick that up and read it yourselves because it will talk to you and help you out. I'll spare the details. But it sure did with me.

So here it goes. I ain't backin' out of this now. And there's noooo way that I am, or will be, ashamed or embarrassed of this because I'm not hiding. I also don't care what you guys think or say--in a negative matter--because with that, you're just being inmature and childish. If you wanna say somethin' about it...go right ahead. Like 2Pac said, "I ain't mad at 'cha." So, without further-ado, heeeere weee go...

_________________________

(In John Baker's book Life's Healing Choices, the 1st Choice is the Reality Choice: Admitting need. This is what I had read. This is only the beginning of the book, but a start in somethin' new for me...)

R ealize I'm not God.

>>>> I ADMIT that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is unmanagable.

Beattitude #1: "Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor." (Matthew 5:1)


I've had my own personal share of ups and downs. Well, more downs and ups, really. I would "hide" myself; cloak myself in denial. I would try to play it out in my head and think too much and I'd feel frustrated, nervous, and discouraged. At times, I would have trouble sleeping at night because of something(s) that would be or still be bothering me.

I'd always rely (or try to rely) on myself and tell myself that I can take care of all this, just to myself. No one else.

I feel a sense of comfort whenever I would call someone that is close to me...A close friend, really, who I can rely on and depend on, and talk about my situations and problems...But not God. Why not God? I should. I rarely, if never, pray (I should start that, too). I can honestly throw in, safe to say, that I am in NO WAY DEPRESSED. Just to get that straight and outta' the way. That sense of comfort of having someone to talk to, however, makes it all better. I would feel relieved, and the feeling of worriness drains out from me. But it would come back, and the emotions, feelings, and thoughts start to spring up again. UNMANAGABLE. But I do know that if I can, and do, seek and talk to God and pray, He can and will, ultimately, make me feel better; being at peace, being humble, and wise. Sorry close friends...but it's true. However, I do not. And yet I should...

I do feel happiness, as a whole, just recently, because of this person...I feel like I am loved again, not just me being me and my individuality, but because of who I had became lately--in a good way, folks, in a good way--and that my heart is filling up with the right feelings and thoughts. In the past, however, that wasn't so...For I thought I knew EVERYTHING off the bat and know what was right; distinguishing right from wrong...acting and feeling that every single thing I was doing or saying was fine. Uh, WHAT!? HELLO! NOPE, son. NOPE...I felt...STUPID. I felt foolish about myself. And ultimately I realized I was hurting myself and that someone. I was LYING to my own self and that someone. We both felt SELFISH with ourselves. I realized that this was not healthy--spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically--at all.

I would sometimes try to change or even control others...Telling myself they shouldn't do that, or that's wrong, etc. All those things we all say. But now I know that WE CANNOT CONTROL OR CHANGE PEOPLE. It's up to themselves whether or not they can control or change themselves for what's good, and hopefully, for what's not bad. With the right ingredients, it's possible...but with a big helpful hand of God; God can... But that's not up to me. People have to make those kind of choices and be able to learn self-cotrol. But now, I learn that I should not be able to control or change others.

I FULLY and COMPLETELY admit to what I am writing and this serves as both a testimony and confession about myself. I admit I have turned myself away from God, ever so turning to Him when I really feel (or need) Him the most. But really, I haven't turned to Him at all. I ADMIT THAT I AM NOT GOD. However, as I write this, I do believe that I need Him. I'm feelin' it. And so I truly believe and feel, though, that God has never given up on me nor turn Himself away from me, for God has much better plans for me...

Close friends, relationships, receiving great advice, and just talking to a close, trusted, and reliable someone about all your situations, dilemmas, and problems may all sound awesome...and we all know it's those we need...but it's really...TEMPORARY. They can only do so much. Our own selves can only do so much to help our own selves. But God, in the other hand, is PERMANENT and a well-trusted friend that does not GIVE UP from the get-go.

I recently find myself coming back to my faith and reading certain books of the Bible...and it feels good. I'm starting to understand more; opening my mind, body, soul, and heart to my faith more than I did before; getting to know God and what's goin' down with Him. Quite interesting. But I still stand firm about how to act and "how" to believe in my faith. I'm still more into the "softcore" kinda-stage of Christians...but that's just me. If you don't like it...well, tough. But that doesn't mean that I BELIEVE in Him.

We all cannot do this alone. We depend a little on ourselves, a little on others, with the right positive ingredients of thoughts, feelings, etc., and the plenty of helpings from God...and it's all good from there...

b.