Thursday, March 5, 2009

Self Searching Self...

One for You.

Aptly titled...

How do we define self? One's self? How do we describe self?...Explain it?

Last night I had a conversation on the phone with Her (In respect, I'll withhold her name as to protect her...) and a heated exchange of disagreements arose--I'll withhold the details. But I'll tell you that I was upset about what she had said and her attitude in the beginning of the phone conversation. I was annoyed, really. But it quickly dissipated after we hung up...not directly RIGHT took a little while, like 30 minutes or something like that. I didn't like what she said to me, really. I felt like she was assuming things about myself towards others, specifically girls. I felt she misunderstood the Myself. I guess she was thinking or felt that I was like the other guys out there. I'm not. I'm done, I'll be honest. But...I felt something about Her on the phone...A urging to tell me to STOP. I'm not saying this is bad at all, no. She cares. She's not afraid to tell others...or tell me, what's up. She's not afraid to tell herself that she's right, most of the time. There was "that" in her...A Love. Along with the care and Love...RESPECT. It's almost embarrassing to let her tell me some sort of advice. I almost felt like that. Embarrassed that I didn't even know what's up about myself. I was blinded...couldn't see. She made me realize other things I haven't realized before. But you know what? I came to realize you shouldn't be embarrassed by any advice people give you...or afraid of the fact. She knows me...all too well. She understands me...I guess I didn't give it my all when understanding her. I'll admit, I thought I was...but really, I wasn't. Fighting her is tough...I can't win. She beat me up pretty bad. Plus, I could never get mad at her for too long...It's care...Love. I still love her...The feelings are still there...

Finding can be simple and tough. But having someone to find it for comes easy. Afraid of other people telling you about things you didn't know about yourself...or rather, setting you straight, you shouldn't. It's okay...but it's not like they are saying it because they're mad at you...they do that because they care about you and love you. They want you to set a good example to your own self and towards others. To be honest, sometimes I'd be blind-sided by that...I'll always think that I'll be right, when a lot of the times I'm not. I guess I haven't been FULLY matured yet. But you know, sometimes it's good that people are here to set things right about you...Because you can't always help yourself, people need other people to help out. A lot of the times I've felt embarrassed that she knows me more than I know myself. But I learned not to feel like that...She needs me and I need her. Being afraid, embarrassed, ashamed,'s not good. In fact, it's utter selfishness towards you and others that are trying to help out. There should be a gratitude and acknowledgement, because it's the people closest to you that care and love you for who you are...They want to help you out to be a better person. A better self. It's those people. It's the only thing we have. People. Not machines, computers...Fuck that. No. People. And let's not forget...God.

I've always said that I'm still searching myself...soul-searching, too. But I just came to need others to beat you up--not physically--but verbally speaking. To set you right...tell you what's up. The abuse isn't that bad. Just don't take it way too serious. They mean it in a good way...not bad...

I've taking those beatings so many times...From Her, if that's what you're wondering. It's nice to take's some hardcore medicine shit. I know I may get offensive or defensive or whatever...but you know what? It's You that know how to push things right with me...I'm not ashamed, afraid, or embarrassed anymore. It's for my own good. You care about me...You Love me...

I'm sorry for being like that to you...And towards myself. I can never be right, or too right...even about myself. I'm happy for You to still stick around...

You're right about things...usually. Thank you for the verbal beat downs...I think I need to deserve more from You. I know...You're being You. I appreciate that...I love that about You...Don't ever stop being You. I know I may get upset about You say, but you come in and know how to make me feel better...even if it's by force. I've learned so many things about You that now I'm learning the things about You towards myself. I know You mean well--I have to keep that in mind and in heart--because you care about me...Love me. Me for me...

This was one I wanted to talk about for awhile...I just didn't know how to start it off or go about it. I didn't want to be half-assed about it. But I hope whenever You read this...I hope You understand.

You need a good balance of you finding yourself and others trying to help you find it for you. You can't go at it alone. People need other people...



  1. That's so sad! :( I think that you're right though... We need other people in our lives to do that to us every once in a while. Go it alone, you might as well forget about it, because you can't do it on your own. Of all the things in life, really; you can't do anything on your own, besides exams, but even then, we have help preparing for it. Everything we have to do or choose to do in life isn't wothout aid or someone else to do it with us along the way.

    Hey :) Bodyguard pen-pal Prince! :)

    I'm sorry the snow has gone. But, at the same time, it was giving you hassle... but yeah, you know what I mean :D

    Well, not ALL UK people are like that. Just LONDON people. I remember when I first went to London, I wasn't sure what to make of it either. You DO kinda get used to it... I guess.

    You're like me. Well, kinda. You don't bottle things up. But, I do. Its wierd, because if I get told someone elses secret, I can keep it for the rest of my life. Not even torture can drag it out of me. But, my OWN secrets? Ask me about it and I'll sing like a bluebird. So, yeah... but whatever. It is a slight issue. But, who cares!?!?! I couldn't care less if I can't keep my own secrets. Doesn't bother me :) But anyway...

    Thank you for believing in me, and believing that I can overcome it. I'll always believe in myself as long as I have you there over the other side of the world to feel along with me =]

    We need to stop this. But, I guess one more couldn't hurt :) I love you more than I could ever say :)
    And... *Big, fat, warm bear hug =D*

    Your entries, comments, anything you write, I LIVE FOR. Its so strange that one little detail in the fabric of life is so big. It sounds wierd, but I love it; I love you :) for you.

    Would love to do that some day :) I'd love to chill with you. You seem lovely. I'm glad to have you in my life.

    How was it? The exam? Easy? Hard? I hope you did well, and I hope it didn't kill you :)

    Much love and great beats, My handsome prince,

    Deanna xxxx

  2. Hey... um, again.

    I never thought that, by the way. And I'm not mad. Its cool, and I never thought you were hitting on me at all. I live in a world where my guy friends have talked like that to me all my life, so I guess it was nothing new. You'd have to do somethin' pretty special to hit on me :) All the love and whatever is just who I am and what I do.

    So, yeah. You're a friend... aren't you?


    Deanna xx

    Deanna xxx

  3. Cool. I'm glad we're friends, because I like someone too. And you did it again. Thinking of my feelings. You don't want to hurt me, so thnkas for that, but, I think it might be a little less painful coming from the other side of the world. And you can't change my mind, I STILL want to come to Chicago :)

    My minds messed up, anyway. You can't mess it up anymore than it already is.

    I'm glad the exam was okay. Hope you do well :)

    And, I'd rather you be honest with me. I hate it when people lie to me. So, thanks.


    Deanna xxx